something lighter

I was reading back over my blog tonight (a bit vain I know), and realized that most of the stuff I post is pretty heavy.  I thought it would be a nice change of pace to lighten it up tonight.

Youtube is by far one of my favorite places to waste time.  One of my friends from college shared this gem with me so I thought I would pass it along. And this video by no means is a political statement, so dont take it that way

paralyzed and confused

i’ve found my heart to be pretty heavy these past few days.  usually I am able to shake these things when they come up (whether that be healthy or not I haven’t decided), but this one I can’t seem to shake.  We have a group of students over in Ethiopia right now.  I’ve been receiving emails and reading some of their blogs while they are there.  I can relate to some of the things they are going through as it brings up memories of mine from similar trips.  But there was one blog posting a couple of days ago that I can’t relate to, and I think because I cant relate to it, it has lingered with me.  The post goes like this . . .

One of the groups of Americans and Ethiopians work with former prostitutes from the street. Wednesday night half of the group went out to see Addis Ababa at night and who WinSouls (the nonprofit org) does its work. They generally buy an hour of the women’s time and just talk with them and show them that someone cares. Addis has between 4-7 million people depending on the source. After 9pm the city shuts down and becomes the property of the night. In Addis it’s said there are 70,000 street girls. Tonight we heard their experience from being out between 9pm-12am.

South Markato
- The alley was uneven cobble stone making it hard to walk. The sides were lined with sheet metal of small huts. Lined up down the street were women and girls waiting in front of open doors. They saw in side one hut. It was a bed a foot from the door and two feet to the wall. There were coins and condoms on the bed. In the corner was the woman’s baby. The city has many interesting smells but this entire street smelled of incense. There were young girls waiting no more that 16 years old. At a corner of the street stood police men. The street is said to go on for kilometers like this.
- I never want to talk about this again. There is nothing else in my life I can think of like this.
- I tried to journal about it this morning but all I could do was cry. I didn’t want to write because it would be as though I was accepting that the place was real.\
- That place had a feeling of evil submersing it. When I think of evil and satan I think of a gross brown/green smell not the smell of incense.
- I imagined if one of them was my sister who I love so much. I don’t know what I would do.
- As we walked the air was so thick. There was a presence that I could only describe as evil.
- All the poverty I have seen so far has made me feel grief. I didn’t have that feeling tonight but one of anger. I was pissed off. How could this place be?
- Do you see this quarter dollar coin, this is wealth on that street. This is more than any of the girls go for. This nickel is what these women are going for. These women have never had any one of value use their name. No one has ever smiled at them.
- The kids at the orphanages we work at aren’t miracles. They come from this street.
- How can we respond to this?
- We have to respond.
- I have never been in a scarier place in my entire life.
- We have become friends with the former prostitutes that we work with during the day. I put these faces in the girls we were seeing on that street and my heart broke.
- Today when we met wit the former prostitutes, we told them about our experience. I was overwhelmed by their sense of hope. They told us that Jesus does transform lives. These women want to go and share the hope of Jesus with the other women. All of them agreed that there is an evil spirit on that street. Even thought they have better lives than they ever had before, that evil spirit still calls them back. They said that once a woman goes back she will never return because that spirit is too strong. Before we left today the women prayed a prayer of thanksgiving that our women had been sent half way around the world to show that someone cared.

I dont know what to do with this. So far all I’ve done is reread the post, cry, realize that the world I live in is dramatically different, and grow more and more confused about what God wants me to do about this.  The problem is so big and the reality is I live in a place where I can choose if I want to think about it.  Most days honestly I probably wont.  Most days I allow myself to be desensitized to poverty, injustice, and instead I talk about how hot the weather is.  I just drove around tonight and tried to fit this feeling into some box, into some justification, into something that I could wrap my brain around - but it didn’t happen. There is so box of justification for this.  Right now all I can feel is paralyzed and confused.

chewing on it

So I started reading a new book tonight, SexGod.  A good number of our IV students read this book last semester with my co worker and none of them could stop talking about it.  I half felt like I was reading the book even though I never opened the cover.  But I thought I should actually read it because I was so impressed with the comments people were making.  I’m not too far into but I have already found some great quotes to chew on.  So I thought I’d share them . . .

“You can’t be connected with God until you’re at peace with who you are. If you’re still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way.  You’ll be at odds with your maker. And if you cant come to terms with who you are and the life you’ve been given, you’ll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they’ve been given. And until you’re at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will cotinue to struggle and resist and fail to connect.”

“He insists that everything God created is good, and we come to see this through what he calls “the word of God and prayer,” which is the hard work of study and reflection and meditation and discussion and debate. The temptation is always to avoid things that are difficult and complex. To go around them rather than through them.”

“In reaction to denial, people often head to the other end of the spectrum, which is indulgence. The pendulum swings. But we were created to live in the tension.  And when you lose the tension, you lose someting central to waht is means to be human.”

Wow great stuff.

So I’ve been away for about 10 days on a combination of work and fun travel. Coming home is always a nice feeling after an extended stay, but these past 10 days were so great for me. I felt like I had new revelations about the work that God is calling me to and the areas where I still desperately need to grow. In two quick weeks I went from “saying goodbye” to my old responsibilities on staff to jumping into the new uncharted territory. I knew this switch was coming but still it caught me off guard with a whirlwind of emotion I wasn’t expecting. But I have already seen God’s goodness in the midst of this change. He knows me so well and how much I need to be reminded that He is with me in all of this!

In a few quick weeks He has helped me to let go of the current IV chapter. It was hard to not have a major role in it anymore ( I felt myself trying to hold on more than I should have) and then quickly threw me into the ISM world by going out to Colorado for International House Party. That was the first time the actual reality of what was happening hit me. And with that reality hit the overwhelming feeling of the personal things I need to work on. The things in me that can no longer remain the same and the ways I do in fact need to stop resisting the ways God wants to change me. It was a harsh reality but also an exciting one. It is time for change, time to breakthrough old patterns of behavior, time to stop believing lies about my relationship with God. And then after that whirlwind I got to go to Seattle to visit some dear dear friends. God once again knew what He was doing when He had me slow down and see how He is opening up places in my life that not only line up with what He has given me but with people I truly enjoy being around. He is allowing me to combine my gifts and my passions. Being with those people reminded me of that in a way I desperately needed.

So for only being a few weeks into the summer, I feel like God has done a lot already. It is time to change, but to change through reflection and realizing that for change to last it takes more than a couple of weeks, but probably a few months and even years. I feel the change in me coming but now its more if I am going to open myself up to it or continue to operate in my old patterns of behavior. So here’s to a summer where that change begins to be deep-rooted and not just something I think would be good on the surface.

TED | Talks | Alisa Miller: Why we know less than ever about the world (video)

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Agree or not . . .its intriguing

So this is obviously political. And I’m sure we all go into this with varying levels of opinions. However, I saw this on one of my friends pages and I found it intriguing. So here you go take it for what you want it to b

in His great timing

I forget how quickly things can change.

I was looking at my blog tonight, my rarely updated blog, and reading what I had written on it. I admit the postings are rare and by no means document all things going on in my life, but as I was reading them I realized that I am in a much different spot emotionally than I was a few short months ago and I remembered how quickly things can change.

A few short months ago, I was at a pretty low spot. I was feeling distant from God, well not just distant, down right angry with Him. I was bitter for the ways I felt I was sacrificing for Him and how I felt like I was getting nothing in return. Yes an exaggeration, but true feelings for me at the time. I was upset that my funding was in a low spot. I couldn’t support myself financially and because of this I had to pull off of campus- the most challenging and fulfilling place for me- to get a part time job. I was feeling lonely in that place as well and had few friends to walk through it with. Our chapter was also in a rough place working hard to hear from God but instead of filling lifted and encouraged felt dry and feedup.

Reading through my past blogs and reading the many “thinking words” I posted one could tell I was in a rough spot. But l felt the need to post something new to share that this is not where I am now and practice the discipline of gratitude. So just to give you a taste of all the ways God has been so faithful here are some highlights in no particular order . . .

(1) Finding a part time job that works well with my InterVarsity job. And not only helping to pay the bills, but far beyond that meeting some incredible people. I truly hope that friendships I am forming there continue to grow deeper.

(2) A new vision in the giftings God has been developing in me. Its good that we can’t see how God is forming us sometimes - I know I wouldn’t even believe it if I was told.

(3) Starting an international chapter at Drake! I can’t wait! And yet I feel calm about moving forward in it.

(4) $10,000!!!! A truly unexpected gift and a testament of God’s grace. Yeah for finishing the year in the black!

(5) The beginning of some wonderful new friendships with women I truly admire. I am so grateful for the beginning of this community.

How quickly I forget how things can change. I am so grateful that I follow a God who is so much more stable than my view of my circumstances.

bringing back the life

i’ve generally been a person who enjoys structure. i know sounds like boring type-a personality stuff, but for some reason it doesn’t take life from me but actually brings life. however i’m learning that too much of something, even something you enjoy, can lead to a state of unhealthiness.

recently i think my enjoyment of structure took on another personality and turned into something that became much more controlling and in fact overbearing. my original intentions were not so, but its as though the planning and strategizing took on a life of their own in me. And suddenly the structure that once brought a level of peace, instead brought a suffocation feeling of never being able to measure up.

call it rebellious or probably more accurately a wake-up call, but ive found myself now with less “structure” in my life and more time to find life again. i can’t quite say why or what is happening in me, but slowly i’m feeling less suffocated and able to breathe again. i’m just hoping that i dont try to make this new life into a structure in my life that will take the life out of it again. . .

world apart

i was going to just post these lyrics under my thinking words page.  but they seemed to good to be hidden there.  this articulates myself much better than i can.

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

 

missed the point

now i realize that sermons are written to cast the net wide, to include as many as possible, to not single any one person out, but to appeal to the masses. i know this.

but i also know that there are those times when sermons seem to be hitting every thought you have in your head and you end up being a bit freaked out when the pastor catches your eye in the pews because you think that he/she is reading your mind. tonight i had one of those.

thankfully i didn’t have to deal with the confronting preacher eyes because i listened to a pod cast from lutheran church of Hope. i’ve missed the past couple of sermons, so i thought i’d catch up and see what i’ve missed. woah did i miss stuff.

the more i open myself up the more i’m noticing God speaking to me. its not a direct voice from above, but He’s showing up all over the place. i wont go into all the details of the sermon or all the things i’m struggling with but there was one phrase that stuck out to me. pastor mike was talking about what we really believed, what we held onto to find our identity, what we do to make ourselves find ourselves. and in his preaching he finally said some of your tombstones are going to read, “brilliant performance but missed the point”

as i sit here and ponder that i fear that what im doing. i’ll try and keep performing in my walk with the Lord, in my job, in my search for my identity, but really if i’m honest i’m missing the point.

(if you care to listen to the sermon you can download the podcast for free on itunes. Lutheran Church of Hope Sermons December 16,2007)